painted thoughts

Oh Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy Love

2007-03-08T23:54:00.000+01:00

Yes...
I am cheesy...
And just speaking to her again makes me all smiley and girly and cheesy...
I am starting to believe that she really is falling in love with me again..

Anger and Procrastination...My Two Favorite Emotions...

2007-03-08T22:47:00.000+01:00

Friday starts in 10 minutes, and the excitement and joy I had towards this day has died...

I am so angry with her.
It all started with facebook...she refused to add me as her girlfriend

" Oh no! I couldn't possibly do that! What happens if thirty years in the
future I need to be employed by some homophobic pig and he's so lame he checks
up on me and reads me facebook from years and years ago and won't hire me
because I was honest about my sexuality? What then? "

It irritates me so much! And if she could just see past herself and see that maybe there's a possibility that her not wanting me on this lame site makes me feel sad and stupid and as if she's a shamed of me.

It makes me angry!

And then, to try and convince her (her being my girlfriend who is meant to want me to be part of her life) to put me on her page...as a FRIEND, I told her that if she added me that I would tell her this address...
Oh why?

As usual this turned into a huge melodramatic emotionally fueled Scorpio fight...

So ten minutes (actually, about three now) before this big day that actually means a lot to me despite not actually being FOUR years...we're fighting...

And I've spent this whole time playing on this stupid facebook thing, and fighting with her about shit, that I haven't even started my English essay...

But lets be honest - I'll always find a reason to procrastinate.

Desperatly seeking

2007-03-07T22:51:00.000+01:00

Slept until one o'clock today - and only got out of bed because I had a compulsory lecture that I needed to go to.

I can see how pathetic that is.

But I just don't care.

My life seems to be falling apart all around me - but if I actually step out of the craziness that is my head I can see that it's actually not.

On Friday I would have been with her for four years...
OK - let's re-phrase that.
On Friday we WOULD HAVE been together for four years - if last year's craziness hadn't have happened.

So Friday is an important day for me, and instead of being near her, I'm stuck 1000 km away in a small town with the craziest weather in the world.

Which is actually OK.

Having Friday be FRIDAY means that I have a reason to sit in my room and mope and sulk and not have people point and stare (yes - my paranoid self is showing her paranoid head) and ask stupid questions like if I'm OK.

Honestly, I'm excited for the chance to breathe.
I'm excited for the chance to be by myself and have time to watch movies I've wanted to watch, and sleep for 12 hours of the day, and let my mind be my mind.

Which is what I've been needing.

I need to feel as if I'm me again. Truly, essentially ME.
Hopefully this weekend of solitude will give me something vaguely resembling the crazy version of myself that I'm so desperate to see.

Truth be told...

2007-03-06T20:30:00.000+01:00

There are such secrets happening in my head at the moment that I'd don't know where to begin...
I want so badly to be able to write them down - to free them from my head...to have something happen and be free of the craziness and paranoia and fear and general disappointment with everything.

But I can't.

I can't say these things out loud or make them real by giving them volume or tell the truth.

Need to go back somewhere.
Need to rewind and find myself in that place that makes me feel like me...

But in the same breathe...I don't.

Need to feel like me... But it will come...

As always - the strange and pathetic reality will be revealed...
As always it will make me feel like me...
And as always...I'll spend my days wishing I wasn't.

More uncomfortable than I thought...

2007-02-22T18:48:00.000+01:00

Recently, I had to tell a complete stranger that I like girls...
OK..."had to" are the wrong words. I didn't have to anything. But I told her.
And before I told her I ummmed and aaahed and felt like what I was about to tell her would send her running 600 miles in the other direction - which, truthfully, wouldn't have been such an issue cause this girl really was a complete stranger.

See, now this is where my problem comes in- why did I even think about telling her? Why did telling this random that means nothing to me mean something to me?

Start to get all paranoid about sub-conscious issues that I might actually have, deep down... But then...

I don't know...

If I'm completely honest with myself I can say that I am uncomfortable with the idea of being lesbian. No - that came out wrong. I am uncomfortable with being called a lesbian - I think I'm worried that people will bracket me into that pathetic category that I know I have placed so many girls into - that of "so straight".

Even writing that I can see how ridiculous it is... I'm having doubts about who I am because I'm worried about what some stranger will think of me?

But I do have these doubts - and whether or not they're justified...they are there...

Back in the town of G

2007-02-11T08:45:00.000+01:00

Back in Grahamstown...Which is weird, but at the same time....not.

Really do love this little town...

But wish she was with me...

Second time lucky??

2007-01-29T20:11:00.000+01:00

Go back to Rhodes in two weeks...
Which means leaving her, and going back to the scary long distance relationship we tried before...
Or, more accurately, failed in before...
I guess, as before, only time will tell

Where has the old me gone?

2007-01-25T19:26:00.000+01:00

It’s strange, because for some time now, whenever I looked at this page I felt as if a part of me was represented. Yes, this depiction of myself might be a teeny tiny representation of who I actually am, and my random babbling might be more who I think I am, than I actually am…But still…
Since returning home – which basically means slow, unstable internet access – I haven’t really shared many thoughts…
The strange thing is – is now looking at the page it’s almost as if two distinct parts of myself have formed: The blogger, who rants about random things that few people may actually care about… And the other me…
The me that spends hours watching E! Entertainment (wait…that many more hours than the previous me does…)
The me who has no secret private random thoughts…

Yes, I can step out of myself (both selves actually) and see how insanely ridiculous this sounds. I can see that it’s unreasonable to presume that just because I’m not posting my ideas on a arbitrary web page that I simply have none.
But I think it may just be true.

Yes. Without my trusty laptop and much needed spell check I am an empty vessel. OK. Semi-empty. I am, of course filled with the latest information about random celebrities are strangely familiar to me despite doing nothing but pose and party.

It’s sad…but it’s true.
But maybe my frankness will banish overly E! obsessed me, and call the ranter out to play…

It's time...

2007-01-20T20:58:00.000+01:00

With the beggining of the year, or in my case, three quaters of the way through January, comes new ideas about life and the better way to live it...
This year, like every other, I have these exceptionally unique ideas...
Like most people I am meant to be on a "new year, new start, this year it will finally happen" diet.
Hmmm.
Ok - so i've slipped up...once...ok...twice...a week...
BUT I really am trying (yes, I know if I was REALLY trying I would be doing)
And gonna fast tommoorow, which is basically a non psycotic way of saying starve. Need to feel hungry...even just a tiny bit because I haven't done that in a very very long time...
Just want to get back down to what i used to be...
Just want to be thin again...

A new year brings new drama

2007-01-07T17:57:00.000+01:00

So many thoughts to share...
So much that has happened...
But don't want to rush through it all...
So it will come...
But just slowly...
Just give me time...

sigh

2006-12-16T16:53:00.000+01:00

I've messed this up big time and I don't know what to do to fix that...
There is no solution to my problem...
FUCK!

On a serious note

2006-12-16T00:17:00.000+01:00

I honestly don't know what to do about her.
It's almost as if my mind has put up all these constructions for our relationship - and there's all these things that I'm not allowed to feel, but I still do...
And over and above all these constructions I feel like a total fool because of her being with no.2 - and I feel even stupider for getting upset about it.
And what scares me the most is that, even though when we're together if feels good...it doesn't feel right.

I think that I'm no longer emotionally attracted to her...

I don't want to lose her, but the only way to do that is to be with her - and I know I can't do that.

Sleep and perspective is what I need.

Oh! I am a complete idiot!

2006-12-15T15:44:00.001+01:00

So went to Oh! last night, a gay bar in Melville.

Actually, Oh! was surprisingly cool (it's surprising because Oh! is sort of known for being a gay man's bar - but homos are homos right?)
Anyway - It was cool! Despite the naked men on the walls, and TV, and the oiled and greased barman - I felt at home...sort of...well it was a place that I could kiss her (I know...so much for it's over for good) and not be gawked at by dodgy men.

So we're having a good time...She's buying me tequila (I know) and we're dancing and just generally being drunk and..dare I say it...in love???

Then, me, being the big idiot that I am - think it's a good idea to ask her about the girls (and boys...but they not quite so important) she's been with since the big split...

BAD MOVE #1
Ask her about girl no.1
No.1 is a mutual friend of our that I used to think was hot and is pretty much known for being a complete (wo)man whore.
Great.
This is who she got with...
Three times as it turns out...
Idiot me thought they only got together once and already that was basically killing me.
When I found out they'd been together (mind you I thought it was only once at the time) I spent the entire weekend thinking bout it...and when we were together...it's all I saw when I saw her.

So, seeing as I'm pretty upset by this news, and extremely inebriated, I think the best thing to do is to try and upset myself more by asking about girl no.2

BAD MOVE #2
She was basically having a relationship with no.2 (something she tells me today when we're fighting) Was told...

"I don't understand why you're upset with me when I cheated on HER with YOU"

I know...Then last night idiotic me asks when was the last time they were together.
MONDAY.
Monday was the last time she was with no.2
Monday - the day before I slept with her.
Monday - the day I told her what I would want to do if I had one day to live...
Oh! God I'm a complete embarrassment to the human race.

And instead of leaving with allure and mystery (both very easily achieved with smudged make-up, glazed over eyes and a runny nose) I had to follow her to her car cause she was giving me a lift home.
FUCK!

Guess I'll have to keep my glamorous exit for the next time I have my heart miserably broken.

Sometimes I feel like the entire universe is mocking me.

Last night I was a drunken idiot...
Today - a hungover idiot
And tomorrow I'll be a sad sad idiot.

The internet is evil

2006-12-15T12:27:00.000+01:00

I wrote this whole long post explaining the drama of last night...And Oh! was there drama...and then the page refreshed and I lost it all...
When I am refilled with patients and energy I will re-explain all the drama that is my life...

My very first McWedding

2006-12-10T17:56:00.000+01:00

Something crazy happened on Friday night. And yes, it's Sunday...But I've been distracted lately...trying to figure out what's happening in my mind, and what's happening in her mind, and wishing slightly that none of this had started...

Off the point...

Coming back from an contrasting evening with her, I stopped at McDonald's for some dinner...

And believe it or not, there was a bride and groom happily eating a mcflurry...

Now I chose to ignore the blatant sign of love being shoved in my face minutes after telling her that this was goodbye for real... (yes universe, I'm ignoring you)... and literally stopped and stared.

It is important to note here that god did not bless me with tact or subtlety and so when I say stare I really mean gawk.

The couple (and their family, with Gran in tow- who, by the way did NOT look impressed) didn't seem to think there was anything unusual about a McWedding.

OK- is it just me? Or is McDonald's a really random place to go for your wedding? I mean COME ON!

So maybe they met in McDonald's... K, that's cool, then eat McDonald's at the wedding... But to sit down on the (grubby, kid covered) plastic red chairs in a (VERY) white dress...

Not my idea of fun!

But seeing as I am not really into the whole marriage thing and have never pictured myself walking down the isle in the typical little girl fantasy, I can't actually judge...can I?

Maybe McDonald's was part of her fantasy...

Maybe his...

But if my spouse (yes - in this hypothetical wedding, I actually believe in the concept of marriage) said they wanted our wedding at a McDonald's I don't think I'd be very willing!

All I know is that a McDonald's wedding was something I'd never seen before, and I'm highly doubtful I'll see again...

Hurting either way...

2006-12-09T15:24:00.000+01:00

It's over now...for good

2006-12-08T20:48:00.000+01:00

And all I want to do is stay in bed till I get to go back to Rhodes...

Body 1 - Mind 0

2006-12-07T21:58:00.000+01:00

I am an idiot...
I let my body make all the decisions while my mind sat there, being confused...

Mind: I don't think this is a good idea
Mind: But I really want this
Mind: But I'm not in love with this girl
Mind: Maybe I just shouldn't do anything
Mind: But there must be a way around this
Mind: I don't know! Maybe this can work
Mind: But does she even want this to work? Ask her?
Mind: NO! What happens if she says no!
Mind: WAIT! She's been speaking! What the hell did she say!
Mind: Just look confused and maybe she'll repeat it...

And while my mind was fighting with its self...

Body: Fuck you mind...I'm going for it!

And now I'm so deep in it I don't even know where I am.
Yes, I am happy to admit it, I'm a complete idiot!

Women, sigh

2006-12-06T19:22:00.000+01:00

I have decided that people from Cape Town are by far the most attractive people in South Africa...
We have B, tall incredibly sexy man
Also P, our most favorite of all DJ's
and, of course, the sexiest of all, F...*sigh*
In the wee hours of the morning I met the sexiest girl I've ever seen in a loooooooong time...No...so incredibly sexy...
*sigh*
She was gorgeous...Dark and thin...and well...fucking sexy
*sigh*
Wow...that girl was HOT!

And just as I was starting to get over her, and being happy in the land of sexy Cape Town girl, she had to come back into my life...
Oh God! And I have no clue what I want from her...

Missing the Sparkle

2006-12-04T15:23:00.000+01:00

Suzy was a winner
At every end of year dinner
Drinking the sea and then laughing loudly
Her eyes were made of sequins
They lined up just like penguins
To flap their wings and then kiss her feet

But you, fall on me, and watch TV
Pass me the phone, I need a conversation
You're feeling down, just like this town
Your eyes they always sparkle me with love

Alice was a poser
The kind who'd take her clothes off
And sit in a room full of frozen faces
I heard she went to find God
In the Indian sub-continent
It's mad she had to go so far

But you, fall on me, and watch TV
Pass me the phone, I need a conversation
You're feeling down, just like this town
Your eyes they always sparkle me with love

Now I'm no Jackanory
But this is allegory
We run to the world but we creep indoors
And I know I need you more now
To run and never turn around
Sparkle the world with what Alice found

And you, fall on me, and smash the TV
Rip out the stupid phone, we need a conversation
You feel this time, to be just mine is
To shake the world alive

Accountability on World AIDS Day

2006-12-01T14:43:00.000+01:00

I am often lead to believe that the power houses of the world are ignorant and have ridiculous beliefs about the way I live in South Africa. When my country change the marriage bill to include same sex couples, the response by people living elsewhere was not that of congratulations, or encouragement, but utter shock... How on earth can South Africa make such a liberal change? South Africa - of all places???

So today, when I realised that it was December 1, and World AIDS Day, I jokingly asked my brother, why do they call it World AIDS Day, it's not like the rest of the world cares...

I can see how ridiculous that seems, here we are, complaining how ignorant the rest of the world is about Africa (how it's an entire continent as apposed to a country) and AIDS, and I was utterly convinced that the rest of the world didn't give a damn about AIDS and HIV

Today, instead of only celebrating a day that encourages the education about, and eradication of AIDS, I am also celebrating an open mind. I am celebrating the death of stereotypes and ignorance. Two things that have helped to fuel the virus that is killing 1200 children each day.

As all South African's will know, we had a very high profile court case this year involving ex-deputy president Jacob Zuma. This man was acquitted of having raped an HIV-positive woman. The rage instilled in me about this alone is indescribable. But this stupid man didn't think that showing his country that rape is acceptable was enough, he then had to explain that he took a shower after having sex with her, to help combat the virus. “It [a shower] ... would minimise the risk of contracting the disease.” Zuma also explained why he had unprotected sex with an HIV positive woman , stating he “had prior knowledge of the risk involved from the work I did with the South African National Aids Council. I knew the risk was minimal."

This man, who, frankly, I am embarrassed a share country with, helped to push back the HUGE steps taken by women's rights, and AIDS education in this country.

Instead of being accountable for his actions Zuma started a belief that the virus can just be washed away. Zuma needs to listen to the UN Secretary-General, Kofi Annan's World AIDS day message...

"Accountability -- the theme of this World AIDS Day -- requires every President and Prime Minister, every parliamentarian and politician, to decide and declare that “AIDS stops with me”... But accountability applies not only to those who hold positions of power. It also applies to all of us... And it requires every one of us help bring AIDS out of the shadows, and spread the message that silence is death."

What have I done?

2006-11-22T21:26:00.000+01:00

I really was starting to get over her...

I had stopped thinking about her and was ready to move on with my life - and then I spoke to her, and realised that I still love her.

I still love her, but I can't have her in my life...

Speaking to her was a big mistake - and now I can't get her out my head

What I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted

2006-11-21T22:00:00.000+01:00

So, after weeks and weeks of crying and moaning about all I want is her..after thinking about her non stop and aching for her, she finally messaged me...
It's not what I wanted after all...

Another year older...and days couldn't be better

2006-11-19T21:31:00.000+01:00

I am a fan of birthdays - I like other peoples birthdays - I like my birthday...the whole thing just makes me so happy...

Presents and cake and laughter and drunkenness and just a hazy crazy time of happy...

Then 2006 rolls round and I'm meant to spend my birthday ALONE - for the first time in my life...

My family is in another province

My girlfriend is now my ex-girlfriend

My friend L is basically ignoring me

Considering how I expected the day to be, I have never had such an amazing birthday...

My mom flew down to G-town to surprise me on the 17th, which just made me so unbelievably happy...

So I got to spend the day before my birthday with my mom, eating FANTASTIC food and just generally chilling with my mom...

We went to dinner that night and then went to watch a random flick (The ice something?-random random movie!!)

Came back to res - was sung to at 12 on the dot by friends....

I was messaged by her at 12 exactly...

L left prezzies for me outside my door...

Got cards and pressies from girls in res...

Got sms's from people I haven't heard from in almost a year...

Spent the day with my mom, shopping and eating...

Had a delicious dinner with my mom...

Had pre-drinks with L...

Heard that the DJ I'm in lust with is still in town...

Got some birthday action from a girl in my res...

Got horribly drunk and flirted my brains out with (another) girl I like...

Happy happy day for me...

It really was fantastic

Another year older - and this year looks like it's going to be fucking fantastic!

A look inside my head...

2006-11-17T08:25:00.000+01:00

If I had any memory at all, or if I wasn't too lazy to look back at old posts, I would see if I've already gone on (and on) about asofterworld.com... but seeing as I have no memory - and I'm super lazy - I'll just do it again...

This site is fantastic!

It's thought provoking, and shocking, and sometimes surprisingly sad in it's honesty....

Here are a few (OK - maybe more than a few) that I downloaded ages ago and have had on my P.C.

For some reason these ones really stand out for me today...

Maybe it's the place I'm in right now...

Maybe they always did...
Who knows?

Yeah - and if I was all observant like I'd see that the ones that stand out for me are about love, and betrayal - and a loss of hope...

Good thing I'm not all observant like...

Same sex marriages legalised in S.A

2006-11-15T13:13:00.000+01:00

Yesterday South Africa became the first country on the continent to legalise same sex marriages. None of this crap about civil unions - you can't get married but really it's the same thing so be happy about what you can get -

Unlike earlier versions of the Civil Union Bill, the statute that has been passed no longer creates a separate category for lesbian and gay people exclusively but rather broadens the institution of marriage to include same-sex couples.

To be allowed to marry...

Although the bill has a few details that are not exactly perfect (like a civil union officer being allowed to reject a couple if they find us gays morally corrupt) it does recognise same sex couples in the same way it recognises heterosexual couples.

It makes me proud to be a South African - and proud to be sexually liberated.

South Africa is only the fifth country in the world to legalise same-sex marriages.

Other countries include the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain and Canada. The state of Massachusetts, USA is the only state in the US to allow it.

Check out more details here...it shows the countries opinions - good, bad, and narrow-minded...

Surprise...

2006-11-13T13:53:00.000+01:00

just give it a click for a bigger view

Our big angry hateful world...

2006-11-12T17:01:00.000+01:00

This is the world we live in. A world that is so full of intolerance and hatred that other people refuse to let strangers - people that they don't know - be happy.

I mean really...come on!

What difference does it make to you if some random person somewhere else believe in a different God from you? If believing in this God makes me happy?

What difference does it make if I want to smoke pot - if it's not affecting you at all? If it makes me happy?

Really - what difference does it make in your life if I chose to have an abortion? Really? How would it affect your life if - instead of bringing a child into the world that I wouldn't be able to feed or clothe - instead of bringing a child into the world who isn't wanted or loved - instead of dropping out of University - I had an abortion? If, without the child I would be happy?

What difference does it make to you if I'm in love with a woman? If I want to spend my life with a woman? If being with a woman makes me happy?

Why do complete strangers wish unhappiness on me?

There is just such a high case of intolerance in this world. And I'll admit that I am one of those people who are intolerant. I am intolerant of ignorance, and prejudices, and hatred based on religion, or gender, or sexuality. I am intolerant of people that cause unhappiness.

And although these people should not be recognised, although angry hateful comments should be ignored it's difficult.

It's difficult to ignore the fact that you're being pushed in the club because you're a "homo".

It's difficult to ignore that people will hate you and not be friends with you, just because of who you love.

It's difficult to hear people use the word "dyke" - and express their hatred for you.

It's difficult to be judged merely based on the people you love.

It's difficult to not judge them back.

It's difficult to not become as narrow minded and hateful as those people - to not be intolerant of them, and their narrow minded lifestyle.

It is difficult to not be angry...

God's little gifts to me...

2006-11-09T17:57:00.000+01:00

God has been blessing me with a few gifts of late...Which, if you ask me, if re-payment for the shit time I've been having...

The girl I am in lust with finished her last exam the other day - and HASN'T gone home yet...giving me ample time to perve...

I got e-mails from my friends A and S - who I haven't heard from in ages...and I found out that A is coming to varsity here, with me next year...

My favorite character in the local soap opera has returned (yes - I would judge me too)...

The water is finally clear again - meaning clean clothes, clean bodies and good food...

And...

Katherine Moennig exists...

Yip...

Life is fantastic!

The five stage of grief

2006-11-03T21:35:00.000+01:00

Stage 2: Anger

I think I've reached anger. OK - I KNOW I've reached anger.

I'm angry at who she's become.

I'm angry at how things ended and the way she treated me.

I'm angry that she's being so fucking pathetic about the whole situation and is such a child that she won't even speak to me on the phone.

I'm angry that she doesn't care that we've broken up.

I'm angry that I ever loved her.

I'm angry that I still do.

I'm angry that I was never number 1 for her.

I'm angry that she was for me.

I'm angry that she could never tell me I wasn't her 1.

I'm angry that I'm angry because that means I still care.

I'm angry that I think about her.

I'm fucking angry that I'm angry!!!

I'm angry that she wasn't the girl for me, and I knew it - and I still stayed with her.

I'm angry that I care.

NOT living each day like it's my last

2006-11-02T12:29:00.000+01:00

If I had one day to live

I would want to spend that day with her...
And I would tell her that I love her...
And that I'm in love with her -
I would marry her - even though it means we would only have been married for a day.
I would want to be her wife.
I would make love to her...
And I would ask her to hold me.

I'm shit at emotional detatchment

2006-11-01T18:42:00.000+01:00

I am so terribly awful at just shutting myself off. God, that's all I want to do right now... I want to just switch off any feeling I still have towards her, and get on with my life.

But I can't...

All I want to do is call her, or speak to her, or see her - or anything...

I just can't accept that this person that she's being is who I dated for three and a half years. This isn't the girl I feel in love with - this isn't the girl I wanted to spend my life with - I want that girl back!

The new person is so terrible. But then I actually start to think about our relationship and I realise that she's been both people all along - she's always had this other person inside her... Every time she made me cry, or broke my heart, or made me feel like I didn't deserve her - that was that other person...that selfish, childish, influenced person.

I'm just holding on so deeply to this phantom idea of who she is, and what our relationship was about...I don't understand why she can't be that person - yes, I'm being irrational - I don't care right now

I would give so much to just be over her...To not care if she's thinking about me - to not want to know if she's talking about me - to want her to be happy...

Was ranting today to girls in res about how I'd probably have a nervous breakdown if I found out she was dating someone else - and how if she was with someone else, I would want her to be with a man...because I can't compete with a man - but if she was dating a man - she's be dating a man...and truthfully, that would probably kill me!

I don't know... my mind is so fucking contradictory at the moment that I don't even know how I feel.

I guess there's still a part of me that thinks we're going to get back together. Yes - I'm disillusioned - we haven't spoken in three weeks, she rejects my calls and ignores my e-mails - but we're going to get back together

When I'm honest with myself though - I don't actually want to get back together with her. Not with the crazy, horrible, emotionless version that seems to have possessed the girl I loved. I want to be with the girl I fell in love with. The girl who put me first and love me for me...
I want to be with a girl that doesn't exist...

Fucking fantastic for me.

I'm ready to be over her now...

2006-10-31T21:10:00.000+01:00

I'm fine during the day - really - I'm absolutely fine, but the second night time comes, I feel like I can't cope anymore...
It's not that I want to get back together with her, it's just that without her - I don't know... I feel so alone - like I have no one to tell my thoughts to...BUT I know if we were still together that she wouldn't be the person I'd want to speak to...
I think it also upsets me how unaffected she seems by all this.
Whether I still want to be with her or not, I'm still upset about what happened. Our relationship really meant something to me...she really meant (means???) something to me...
And I'm just starting to realise that maybe I didn't mean the same thing to her...

At it's best...

2006-10-31T16:59:00.001+01:00

My exams start in 7 days...

procrastination n 1: the act of procrastinating; putting off or delaying an action to a later time.

Welcome to my world...

Missing her...

2006-10-30T19:09:00.000+01:00

I miss her...
Generally, but especially now...

Being narrow-minded must be fun - that's why everyone's doing it!

2006-10-29T17:22:00.000+01:00

I was sitting in the common room day talking with a friend (about P, a girl I have a crush on) when this other girl explained how she HATES P...because she's GAY.
Yup, and then she went on to explain that it's nothing against P, it's just that she hates all gay people.
WOW! So that made is super awkward for me because everyone else in the room (except this narrow minded girl) know that I'm a fan of girls...so they all turned and looked at me - with pity in their eyes - as you can image... tons of fun for me.
Typically me, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and needed to ask why it was exactly that she was filled with such hate...

Me: So are you religious?
Narrow-minded girl: Yeah
Me: But if you're religious, why do you hate people?
Narrow-minded girl: Oh no - I don't hate people.
Me: But you just said you hate gay people...
Narrow-minded girl: No, I hate what they're doing. It goes against my beliefs.
Me: So your hate is based on who they love?
Narrow-minded girl: It goes against my beliefs.

Ok - don't get me wrong - I get people think that being homosexual is disgusting ALL the time (so much so that I've even been kicked out of one woman's house before) but the fact that this girl was so happy in being a narrow minded homophobe. That she couldn't even justify her disapproval on anything - religion as a reason is ridiculous... I mean the golden rule of all religion is loving your neighbour as yourself. That is the basis of all religion - Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism...I mean come on -

It doesn't bother me so much that she's so hateful - it's that she implies that being gay is a choice - and she's disgusted in that choice. I mean I could totally not be true to myself, and date men - and live in her perfect little world, but I would be unhappy - so yes, I'm choosing this lifestyle - I'm choosing to be happy - I'm choosing happiness, and love and fulfilment.

Could you imagine how devastated she's be if people hated her, and were disgusted by her and thought she was awful just because of who she fell in love with?

AAAAAH! It makes me so fucking angry - I'm at University with the supposed top 10% of the country, and I'm still surrounded by such narrow minded individuals! Don't get me wrong - her apposing something I agree with is fine - but he lack of tolerance for people is embarrassing.

She needs to read this - it's the site I got off a booklet my ex gave me. Then she can speak to me.

Remembering why I love Olive Schreiner...

2006-10-28T13:28:00.000+02:00

“My feeling is that there is nothing in life but refraining from hurting others, and comforting those that are sad.”

The women in my life

2006-10-27T21:13:00.000+02:00

I am still in love with the girl that now hates me because I was stupid and told her that I'm not in love with her anymore.
Even though I still love this girl, and I'm still in love with her, I don't want to be with her because she makes me cry, and I make her cry.
I'm convinced that I'm going to die alone - because no other woman would want to be with me. (Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself - OK - my heart is broken, I'm allowed to)
I spent the good part of last month convincing myself that I'm not in love with a straight girl who is just a friend.
The girls in my res either hate me (because I like women) or are being all worried-like at the moment because I've spent the last two weeks moping.
I miss my mother like there's no tomorrow, and have spoken to her everyday since I've had my heart broken, and I still haven't told her.
Come to not telling people, the only person in this res that I actually like - yeah - didn't tell her until I got drunk and couldn't stop crying. Fun.
I have never felt more alone in my life.

I think I might just be a sheep

2006-10-25T01:19:00.000+02:00

Have started watching the funniest programme. how i met your mother. Shit this show is funny. The opening of each episode is pretty lame, but it's a good show.
Laughed so hard in like the second episode that I thought I would start crying.
Potential viewers, be warned, this is not complex, witty humour. This is drunken, varsity humour. But it's still damn funny.
Check it out for a laugh. Join the army of people who think it's great. Yes, become a sheep, so I don't feel so bad.

Something cool to look at...

2006-10-22T23:42:00.000+02:00

Week of silence proves too much

2006-10-19T23:56:00.000+02:00

It has been over a week since I've heard from her. I swear you would think that I'm expecting a call from God the way I jump for my phone on the rare occasion that I actually get a message. I have an essay due for tomorrow, and instead of spending my time writing the essay, I've been looking for songs to put in a c.d for her. Will think about it again in the clear light of day, but the plan so far is to mail her the c.d...Don't get me wrong - this is not a "please can we start dating" c.d, I just hate the way we are right now, and I want her to know that despite the ugliness of the moment I actually do love her, and for a really long time I was madly in love with her.
I wish she would phone me, or sms me...but I had a dream last night that she (finally) answered my call and when I had her on the phone I had nothing to say to her. I mean as much as I want her to know that I don't hate her, and that she is a really monumental part of my life - I don't think I actually want to speak to her...
I'm confused - all I know is this not knowing, this silence, it is all too much for me...

Karma

2006-10-17T16:46:00.000+02:00

Just been to my friends room cause the cat that lives around our res had come in through her window. Just sitting with Mystique (the cat, not the friend) made me feel so much better...made me realise how much I miss my cat, Karma. Karma is the most amazing cat. Besides always being at the vet because the most ridiculous things - including falling out of a tree and breaking his leg - he is just fantastic. About three years ago I was having a really shitty time with life and my mom bought me Karma...she looked everywhere for a black kitten and finally found Karma - he was so tiny he could comfortably sleep in a tissue box.
My baby boy...
Really missing him today - am excited to go home and see him. He really does make me happy!

Standing up

2006-10-16T12:44:00.000+02:00

Today I was part of an international campaign to stand up against poverty and hunger. Basically what the campaign is about is a reminder to world leaders of their promise to eradicate poverty by 2015. STAND UP is part of the Global Call to Action against Poverty month of mobilization around The International Day for the Eradication of Poverty (IDEP). This campaign can really change the world (as cheesy as it sounds) because it is such a blatant reminder to the world powers that something needs to be done about the millions of people dying daily due to extreme poverty. Just visit the site - see that it's worthwhile. Buy a white bracelet, join a forum,download material...stand up.

Wonderwall

2006-10-15T19:57:00.000+02:00

Have had a pretty shit day today, I won't lie. With this stuff with Vanessa, and all this work I have to do, I have just been feeling so down. Was playing on my pc and I found a copy of (What's the story) Morning Glory, listened to Oasis's Wonderwall... couldn't help but feel so lonely when I listened to it. That song already meant so much to me, but to hear it today, when I'm feeling so miserable about Vanessa - it made me feel so empty.
It's crazy that a song can make you feel so much...so much loneliness...so much sadness for what is gone.
It will be good for tomorrow to come.

100 Things about me...

2006-10-15T16:46:00.000+02:00

1. I have three brothers

2. I used to think I loved one more than the other two

3. Even though I don't think that anymore, I still feel awful saying it

4. I can’t drive

5. I’ve taken my drivers test twice – and failed

6. The first time I failed within 7 minutes

7. I prefer savoury to sweet every time

8. So much so that I dream about cocktail food

9. I always remember my dreams

10. I am a cat person

11. I judge people on whether they like cats or dogs

12. People who say they can’t choose irritate me

13. I like women

14. I prefer saying that to saying I’m gay

15. Both my parents know – but I didn’t come out to either of them. They both just figured it out.

16. Even though they found out separately, their response was the same: “you know you can’t have kids now?”

17. I wanted kids for a long time, but not really anymore

18. I’ve been in love twice

19. I’ve had my heart broken more times than that

20. I love to cook

21. I was the top home economics student at school

22.I find that fact embarrassing

23.I’m pretty obsessive

24. I think I’d be a damn good stalker

25. I like the smell of winter

26. I went skiing once when I was 13, and got stuck in the snow alone.

27. I thought I was going to die – seriously

28. I never used to bite my nails until this year

29. I’m a Scorpio

30. I totally believe in star signs

31. I want to live in New York when I’m finished my degree

32. Truthfully, I think I’ll be disappointed with it

33. I think sex before marriage is important

34. But I don’t believe in marriage

35. Partly because I don’t believe in God – and promising something to someone you don’t
believe in is lame

36. My toes are always cold

37. I love high heels, but I don’t want to wear them

38. The first time I got stoned my mom was home and I had sex with my (then) girlfriend in my bedroom

39. I think there’s nothing wrong with smoking pot

40. I drink a lot

41. But I’m at university, so it doesn’t count

42. I’ve almost been arrested for having sex in public

43. We bribed the policeman to let us go

44. I wear glasses to read

45. But also because I think I look smart with them on

46. The first time I flew in a plane I was 12

47. During that holiday my boyfriend broke up with me because he liked another girl

48. I’m afraid of infidelity

49. Probably because my father cheated on my mother

50. They’re still together though

51. That made me hates my dad for a long time

52. Now I think my dad is fantastic

53. I’m only really starting to see my mother as a person now

54. Before she was just a mother

55. I’ve never broken a bone before

56. But I chipped a tooth on a glass when I was drunk

57. I’m very jealous about the people I care about

58. If I stop being jealous, it’s not because I’m growing up, or maturing, it’s I've stopped caring

59. I was really depressed for about two years

60. My psychologist suggested I be hospitalised

61. I thought that was cool

62. I love Angelina Jolie

63. I get irritated when stupid people say they love Angelina Jolie

64. I find a lot of people stupid

65. I’m cleverer than I give myself credit for

66. Once my next door neighbour threatened to cut off my fingers if I didn’t stop throwing stones in his pool

67. It really upset me, but I still threw stones

68. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with porn

69. Or prostitution for that matter – it’s going to happen irrespective, they might as well make it legal - That way the people who need to be protected can be.

70. I have no idea what I’m going to do when I’m finished University

71. I don’t eat fruits or vegetables.

72. I am the most un-subtle person around – I’ll happily stare – except when it really counts

73. Overly religious people scare me

74. I grew up Roman-Catholic

75. I think that it’s a religion lead by guilt

76. I wish I was left handed

77. I used to think money didn’t matter until I went to university and didn’t have any

78. I used to be a waitress which was extremely degrading

79. I still tip badly

80. I care a lot about what people think about me

81. I pretend I don’t though

82. I weigh myself everyday

83. I want to be 10kg’s lighter

84. But I want that no matter how much I weigh

85. I fell in love with my best friend

86. We eventually got together - Which sucks when we broke up

87. I get freaked out by things that even I know is ridiculous – like milk in glasses that have patterns on them. I don’t know why, but it freaks me out.

88. If she wasn’t my mother, I’d still be friends with my mom

89. I have been tested for HIV. Not because I was worried but because it was part of the universities campaign to de-stigmatise being tested.

90. Even though I knew I’d be negative, I was still scared to get the results.

91. I love Christmas time more than any other time of year

92. If I’m sad I’ll listen to Christmas carols to cheer me up

93. I love Coke. I used to love it more, but then I started drinking vodka and Coke – and now all Coke has a slight vodka taste to me.

94. I’m attracted to tall people. I also generally like blondes. But I wouldn’t say that if you asked me.

95. I’m not afraid to say cunt. I find it expressive – and if people are offended by it’s use, then doing its job.

96. I want a tattoo, and will probably get one, when I have money again.

97. I have shop lifted before. More than once. I don’t really feel bad.

98. I have huge trust issues, and I have no idea why.

99. I am a big believer in Karma – it usually doesn’t stop me from doing things. But it does make me feel better when other people are horrible, or when I do something good.

100. I hate intolerance and disrespect more than anything else.

Hangover Hell

2006-10-14T11:14:00.000+02:00

I officially hate alcohol...I have a hangover the size of God, and all I want to do is eat but i still have 40 minutes until the stupid dinning hall opens for lunch. Shit I feel bad, and it's hot...

hanging in the heat - always fun!

Please someone kill me now...

But hey, last night was fun...

A dedication to art

2006-10-12T13:16:00.000+02:00

For almost over a year now I've wanted to get a tattoo. I have no issues about tattoos (obviously) and the people around me are pretty encouraging (and by that I mean I've had no treats of death, nor been told it will turn me into a scummy whore) but for some reason I'm too scared to make that step. I've thought about it really long and I know what I want, and I have no fear that one day I'll "outgrow" my choice. I'm under the opinion that if I feel that strongly about something that I would be willing to have it permanently etched onto my body, that even if the passion one day disappears that I'll always remember that time in my life...tattoo or not.

Hell, I'd even break the basic rule of safe tattooing and get a tattoo with somebody. Yes, it shames me to say it, but I would do the whole matching tattoo thing. OK...I’d never have someone’s name tattooed on my ass or anything like that, BUT I would tattoo a symbol that, to me, represents our relationship.

But now serious, responsible Jessica kicks in. I want a Latin quotation tattooed across my left fore-arm. Ok, that's all good and well, and then one day, when I’m out of Grahamstown and in the big bad judgemental world? Would somebody really want to hire a woman with a tattoo on her arm??? Hmmm??? See - THIS is where my problem comes in...

But seriously...would you want your child to be taught by someone like that? A pierced, tattooed woman?? EXACTLY!!

I guess I could always change where I want the tattoo...but come on...stubborn old me - change my mind? Sounds likely.

My life is shit

2006-10-11T23:15:00.000+02:00

I was gonna explain how shit my life really is, but the drunkenness has worn off, andthe tears have strtaed to come, so i don't really have the energy... I don't wanna play this game anymore...

Procrastination is the key to success

2006-10-11T11:39:00.000+02:00

I have a test tonight on Japanese...I know...and seeing as I very stupidly forgot to go right my last Linguistics test I really need to do well. So, I have a bout 6 hours until my test, and with full knowledge of how I have to kick ass, I have yet to open my books...WHY OH WHY do I insist on procrastinating??? Even this now - a mindless excuse to not learn how to conjugate verbs. But, on the upside of today - I get to have my favourite lunch, which I haven't had all term...AND - I get to go to the Amnesty International AGM and eat samosas till I explode. So all in all, life is mediocre (you know - combination of super shit and good food). Should probably start looking at the vocab - have about 200 words to learn by tonight...but before then - Art tutorial and (I am seriously SO excited) my happy happy lunch...

Crazy out of love??

2006-10-10T13:17:00.000+02:00

love...or lust, makes us do crazy things - and it's only once the love has gone that we realise how crazy they really were...what scares me about what's happening in my life at the moment, is that i am starting to see the craziness...slowly, the edges of my love glossed world are starting to fray, and i've begun to see the insanity of it all...no matter how uch i don't want to seee it, no matter how hard i close my eyes and sing loudly to drown out the sound...the craziness is there - screaming at me...
I've come to realise that just like you can't help who you fall in love with, you can't help who you fall out of love with...no matter how much you don't want things to happen...if they're meant to, they will.
Found this strip from site, www.asofterworld.com, and it well - well, just click on it to have a look -

The Fray

2006-10-06T23:13:00.000+02:00

been 150 million hours since i last even thought about blogging - i'm a bad blogger...i know...
...anyway...
listening to The Fray...am so obsessed with their music at the moment..it's fantastic...especialy "heaven forbid" - makes me feel like i know who i am...it's that type of song...just want to listen to it over and over again...oh wait...i do...yes, it's true...i'm a song murderer...but the fray is just that good...you really need to listen to it...fantastic!!!!

Stupid grin

2006-08-31T13:16:00.000+02:00

i've had this stupid grin on my face all day beacuse in a week, i get to go home and see her. yes, i know that giving one person the power to all your happiness is never the best idea, but sometimes these things happen and we don't exactly plan them... anyway...i'm excited. sometimes i amaze myself at how cheesy i really am

Rain or shine...

2006-08-30T16:18:00.000+02:00

Pouring here today... I love the rain...love it, especially when it pours like today. It makes me feel so much better when it rains, not for that whole clichéd "everything is being washed clean" rubbish, but just because it gives me an excuse to sit in bed, drink hot chocolate, and finally watch that episode of CSI...

Dazed and confused

2006-08-30T14:11:00.000+02:00

don't really know what i'm doing...surprise surprise...